Tabloid Conspirators
by razory
Summary: Elvis is found by Mulder and Scully, after a mysterious tip is left by a "D.F."
1. Starbucks N' Tabloids

TABLOID CONSPIRATORS: PART ONE  
AN: This is a continuation (kinda) to "Evil Words". Go read that first, if you want to.  
  
DISCLAIMER: Not mine. FWEE! Sue me and you'll get some lovely Icelandic souveniers, but not much else.  
  
  
FBI BUILDING  
Mulder and Scully's office  
8:45 AMAMAMAM.. OOPS.  
  
(Scully enters the office with a cup of Starbucks coffee in her hand)  
  
Scully: Good morning Mulder. How many people have seen the face of Satan over the US capital over the night?  
  
Mulder: (looks up) How did you know?  
  
Scully: (rolls her eyes) Because you're holding that tabloid newspaper in front of you like a shield. You do know those things aren't true, right?  
  
(Mulder turns towards Scully and gives her a completely shocked look)  
  
Mulder: (screams) THEY'RE NOT??? OH MY GOD!!! I'VE BELIEVED THEM ALL THESE YEARS!! NOOOOO!!!! HOW WILL I LI-  
Hey wait, you're making that up.   
  
Scully: (stares at Mulder blankly) No, I'm not. It said so on NBC.  
  
Mulder: Did not.  
  
Scully: Did too.  
  
Mulder: Fine then. Anyway, I stumbled across a new case.   
  
Scully: You do know that Tupac is dead, right?  
  
Mulder: He is? Hmm. Well. No, this doesn't have anything to do with Tupac. But it could (grins evilly)  
  
Scully: Riight...   
  
Mulder: This takes place in Memphis, Tennessee. A large amount of people are claiming to be haunted by the ghost of Elvis.   
  
Scully: The skinny one? Or the fat, middle-aged leisure-suit wearing one?  
  
Mulder: The skinny one. Apparently, the people who were haunted by the fat middle-aged leisure-suit wearing one died of shock. Or disgust. One of those.  
  
Scully: (gives an impatient sigh) Well where do we start? We have nothing better to do today.  
  
Mulder: Bermuda.  
  
Scully: (raises eyebrow) I thought you said Memphis.  
  
(Mulder's eyes grow huge and he sinks to his knees.)  
  
Mulder: (screaming) YOU DIDN'T HEAR THAT!! THIS CONVERSATION NEVER HAPPENED! I DIDN'T-  
  
(Mulder casts a glance at Scully. She's giving him the "Scully look". Hee hee. I wish I could do that. Mulder stops screaming and stands up)  
  
Mulder: Sorry. It's automatic.  
  
Scully: That's understandable. Now, let's go catch a plane to Bermuda before Skinner forces us to go after a three-legged psycho.  
  
Mulder: Oo. Fun.  
  
(Scully and Mulder dash out of their office, ignoring Spender who had his ear to the door for about an hour)  
  
UNITED AIRLINES FLIGHT SOMETHINGSOMETHINGSOMETHING  
SOME TIME ABOUT TWO HOURS LATER  
  
(Mulder and Scully are sitting next to each other on one of those neato plane things. Scully has the window, and Mulder has the middle)  
  
Mulder: (whines) Why do I get the window?? This other weirdo next to me is taking up my armrest!!! WHY DON'T I GET TO REST MY ARMS???  
  
(Mulder stops when he realizes that people are staring at him)  
  
Mulder: Uh, hi everyone. Are we all okay? Yes, yes, that's what I thought.. (whines) Scu-leeee... I'm bored...  
  
(Scully turns to him and raises an eyebrow)  
  
Scully: Ask the flight attendant for a deck of cards.  
  
(Mulder reaches up and presses the button that signals the flight attendants. An extremely annoyed one walks up to Mulder.)  
  
Attendant: WHAT do you WANT?? Is it a CUP of COFFEE?? Is THAT IT?? Well let ME TELL you SOMETHING, BUDDY, I've had SO MANY people ASK for a CUP of COFFEE and then NOT want IT!!! Do you KNOW what I have to DO WITH THE COFFEE then?? DO YOU??   
  
Mulder: Uh.. no... I just want some cards....  
  
Attendant: Oh, so THAT'S it, IS IT?? That's FUNNY, you don't LOOK like a THREE YEAR OLD who has an ATTENTION SPAN OF A GNAT!!!  
  
Mulder: All I want is some stupid cards!!!  
  
Attendant: FINE THEN. Be that WAY.  
  
(The attendant sulks off to go get some cards, muttering death threats along the way)  
  
Mulder: Wow. I wonder what she's on.  
  
Scully: Her yelling is scaring me.  
  
(The captain's voice blares through the cabin speakers)  
  
Captain: HI everyone!! WE'RE just about to LAND here!! In case SOMETHING goes WRONG, use the AIRPLANE FOOD as SHARK REPELLENT!!!! AND, IN CASE of EVIL FLIGHT ATTENDANTS, use the MAGICAL CALL button!!!   
  
Scully: What's this guy on?? It seems like he's flying high....  
  
Mulder: Yeah.. hee hee. We're about 2,000 feet off the ground you know...  
  
Scully: Uh, no Mulder. That's not what I meant.  
  
Mulder: Oh. Hey, look!  
  
(Mulder takes a folded piece of paper out of his pocket)  
  
Mulder: How did this get here? (hands it to Scully) Hey.. it could be A BOMB!!  
  
(the plane suddenly gets silent)  
  
Mulder: Um.. no.. it isn't a bomb.. really... it isn't... he hee... (whispers to Scully)   
Let's get off this plane as soon as possible.  
  
Scully: Yes, let's.  
  
Captain: OKAY!! GET READY FOR LANDING!! HEHEHE- OWW!! STOP HITTING ME!! I'm trying to FLY A PLANE here!!  
  
Scully: Riight.....  
  
(The plane makes it safely to the ground, despite the feverent wishes of the evil Flight Attendant)  
  
Scully: Well.. I'm preparing myself for flying hamburgers and people acting like statues.   
I just hope they don't start moving.....  
  
(All of a sudden, a bright light fills the plane. A floating figure approaches Mulder and Scully. It pauses, and then---) 


	2. MacFonalds- A Quality Diner

TABLOID CONSPIRATORS: PART TWO  
  
ON THE PLANE  
  
(Mulder and Scully are being blinded by a flash when all of a sudden--)  
  
Annoyed Voice: Jenny, put the flashlight down NOW!  
  
Jenny: Sorry mom.. BUT WHY?  
  
Mom: Because I SAID SO! Now hurry up before I shove your head into the airplane toilet!  
  
(They run off)  
  
Mulder: Darn. I thought it was an alien that would give us clues and abduct us and take us to some pretty foreign planet and make us plant daises and tulips and, and.. and...  
  
Scully: How about, no, Mulder?  
  
Mulder: Okay. I think we can get off the plane now.  
  
Captain: YOU have REACHED MEMPHIS, TenneSSEE! WELCOME to the LAND of ELVIS and SUCH. THANKS for FLYING with NORTHWEST AirLINES even THOUGH you PROBABLY didn't have a CHOICE! Get OFF the PLANE before it SELF-DESTRUCTS!  
HAHAHAHAA!! NOW I CAN TAKE OVER THE WORLD AND--  
  
(Everybody looks to the front of the plane)  
  
Captain: Uh.. you DIDn't HEAR THAT.. HeHeHE.   
  
(Everybody runs off the plane)  
  
TEN MINUTES OR SO LATER  
(Mulder and Scully are standing in front of a Starbucks with confused expressions on their faces)  
  
Scully: Why are we here, Mulder? I'm sure that the Ghost of Elvis didn't frequent Starbucks very often.  
  
(Mulder grins evilly at Scully)  
  
Mulder: Actually, he did. Lisa Liysalot comes to this Starbucks every morning and orders the exact same thing. She reported that the Ghost of Elvis attacked her and demanded that all of those stupid movies he was forced to make in the last century be burned and erased from everybody's minds.  
  
(Scully raises her eyebrows and sighs)  
  
Scully: Are you sure she isn't "on something", Mulder? Has anybody else reported Ghost of Elvis sightings? Or was Ms. Liysalot the only one? If that's the case, Mulder, then it seems that she's either making up the story or we're in--  
  
(Scully is cut off by eerie music)  
  
Voice: The Twilight Zone...  
  
(Mulder glares up at the voice)  
  
Mulder: Shut up! We don't care! (he calms down slightly) Let's go find Lisa Liysalot.  
  
MAC FONALD'S  
FIFTEEN HUNDRED HOURS  
OR THREE 'O CLOCK PM TO THOSE WHO DON'T DO MILITARY TIME  
  
(Mulder and Scully enter a typical fast-food restaurant, except this one is worse. Cockroaches are crawling everywhere, and the whole place smells odd.  
Lisa Liysalot is wearing a boring grey outfit and looks like someone who hangs around bars way too much.)  
  
Mulder: Um, Ms. Liysalot, is it correct that you visit the Starbucks on the corner of 22nd street and Main every morning?  
  
Lisa: (speaks in an odd, mixed-up accent) Thart's roight, Meester Soot. Wot ees it you warnt frum me?  
  
Mulder: Ms. Liysalot, for the thirteenth time, it's Agent Mulder.  
  
Lisa: Ooh Meester Soout. Soary. Yees, I goo to dat Stoorbocks eevree moarneeng.  
  
Scully: Have you ever seen the Ghost of Elvis at this Starbucks?  
  
(Lisa Liysalot jumps up on the table and yells loudly)  
  
Lisa: OOH! OOH! That EES ROIGHT MEES SOOT! I seen thees Elvees aht Stoobocks eevree moarneeng. That ees roight!  
  
Mulder: Okay. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?  
  
Lisa: Ooh.. I dun know, meester soout. Soary.  
  
Scully: (whispering to Mulder) All we've gotten from this woman is that she's seen Elvis every morning at Starbucks. (To Ms. Liysalot) Do you know if any other people claim to have seen the Ghost of Elvis at that Starbucks?  
  
Lisa: Nough, soary Mees Soot. Gouhh to Stoobocks and ahsk.  
  
Mulder: Thanks for your help, Ms. Liysalot.  
  
Lisa: Noguh porblem, Meester Soout.   
  
Scully: (under her breath) Rrright.... let's go.  
  
(They run away from the odd woman, slipping on several cockroaches as they go.)  
  
UNDEFINED LOCATION  
UNDEFINED TIME  
UNDEFINED UNDEFINED  
  
(A scary dark object is moving around, doing things that scary dark objects do. All of a sudden, a door opens and light pours into the room)  
  
Some Guy: Dude, where's my ice cream cone? I ordered that thing fifteen minutes ago and it still isn't ready? What kind of place is this? I want my money back! I have rights too! I demand--  
  
(He's cut off when the scary dark object grabs him and starts slashing him into fishsticks. His screams echo, but are never heard. However, the screams turn into giggles as an Elvis song drifts into the room. The Elvis song is oddly distorted, sounding like Barney singing it. The lights dim, and everything goes black.)  
  
THREE HOURS LATER  
  
(Agents are milling around, wearing normal trenchcoats and suits and such. Mulder and Scully enter the area. Mulder shows his badge to the agent in charge.)  
  
Mulder: I'm Agent Mulder and this is Agent Scully.  
  
Agent: That's nice. Want a cookie?  
  
Mulder: Ooo! Cookie! I want it!  
  
Scully: No, Mulder, you don't want Government cookies. They've been in storage for at least a year.  
  
Mulder: (disappointed) Oh. Okay. We're here to investigate the death of Smallpo Tato. We belive that this has a connection to a case we're currently working on.  
  
Agent: Really? How so?  
  
Scully: (speaks carefully) Well... the security cameras in this area had a sound recording feature also, and it picked up an Elvis song right around the time of death.  
  
(The Agent bursts out laughing)  
  
Agent: (giggling madly) Hey, these agents are investigating a case that they say connects to this one because of ELVIS! Hahahaha!!  
  
(The entire room bursts out into laughter. Mulder and Scully exchange sidelong glances.)  
  
Scully: (under her breath) Rrright... forget them. Let's go.  
  
TFO'S APARTMENT  
SOME BAD NEIGHBORHOOD  
  
(Amazingly, TFO is not dead. CSM has revived her, and so, she's basically the same, except fifteen times dumber. No loss. She sits at her table and looks through some government files that were on sale at Gov-Mart.)  
  
TFO: Wow. Cher's a robot!   
  
(TFO picks up the phone and calls the National Inquirer)  
  
TFO: Yeah, I'm calling to report a story.. I found out that Cher is a robot. What? Yes, it's confirmed. WHAT? NO!! WHY WON'T YOU TAKE IT? IT'S TRUE, I SWEAR! What? Where did I get the information? From this Government file! I bought it at Gov-Mart! You don't believe me? FINE THEN! See if I care!  
  
(TFO hangs up, then looks through the files some more. She picks one up, and turns it over, a plan forming in her mind, which is now the size of a pea.)  
  
TFO: (excitedly) This is it! I can bait Mulder with this! Then, I can drag him away from Dana Scully and he'll be ALL MINE! MUAHAHAHAHA-- oh crap. I broke a nail.  
  
(TFO hurries off to go primp herself, even though she'll still look like a drowned sewer rat. As she runs, she drops a peice of paper that says-  
Do Not Underestimate The Power of Sporks)  
  
SOME TIME LATER  
SOME PLACE  
POSSIBLY A 7-11  
  
(There is Police Line tape all over the place. Agents are milling around wearing trenchcoats. Scully walks up to one and shows her badge)  
  
Scully: I'm Agent Dana Scully. I believe that this murder has something to do with a case I'm working on.  
  
(The agent gives Scully a surprised glare, and then narrows his eyes)  
  
Agent: Who told you someone died? How did you know?  
  
Scully: (rolls her eyes) There's a dead body right there.   
  
Agent: Oh. I knew that.   
  
(The agent flees)  
  
Scully: (mumbles) That's it. Time to use THE SOURCES.  
  
(Scully drives away, back to the Field office)  
  
FBI FIELD OFFICE  
THAT BASEMENTY PLACE  
17 HUNDRED HOURS.  
  
(Mulder is reclining in his chair with his feet on his desk. Scully is looking through a filing cabinet. She shuts it, and starts dancing through the room.)  
  
Mulder: What the heck are you doing, Scully?  
  
(Scully stops dancing and looks at Mulder)  
  
Scully: Chasing off the Ghost of Elvis. Apparently, he is scared off by tacky pop music and stupid dancing from the late eighties and early nineties.  
  
Mulder: Oh.  
  
(Mulder turns on the radio and some god awful Britney Spears song comes on. He dances with Scully. They do this for about a half an hour until Skinner walks in)  
  
Skinner: OH MY GOD? Are you both possessed? You know this breaches protocol. Protocol breachers, protocol breachers! Heehee.  
  
(Skinner flees giggling from the room. Scully and Mulder stare blankly at the open door, then continue dancing) 


	3. The Syndicate Plots

CONFERENCE ROOM  
UNDISCLOSED LOCATION  
  
(The dark, smoky room is lit only by a couple of lamps on the table. There are various Scary People In Suits such as the CSM, the Well-Manicured Man, and Diana Fowley. CSM is glaring at TFO as if she's the most evil thing in the world, and of course she is.)  
  
TFO: (giggles stupidly and bats her eyelashes at CSM) I've got a valuable piece of information to bait Mulder into my trap!  
  
CSM: (ignores TFO's obvious lack of brains) And what would that be? Your cheap Avon perfume? A ceramic clown? A seagull and Alka-Seltzer? WHAT IS IT?  
  
(TFO looks around nervously, and giggles loudly in a poor attempt to cover up her nervousness)  
  
TFO: Not really.. it's actually a clipping from a newspaper that would interest Mulder. So, it would lead him into my trap, and we'll have him right where I want him!  
  
(The other people in the room roll their eyes simultaneously.)  
  
CSM: (groans with distaste) What newspaper did you get that clipping from? It wouldn't happen to be some Cosmopolitan thing, would it? Or National Inquirer. I should have known. (mutters) Ditz.  
  
(TFO gets nervous)  
  
TFO: Umm.. well... (giggles ditzily) I did. But that's the point. If he believes it, then we can lure him into my trap.   
  
CSM: We can lure him? Into YOUR trap?  
  
TFO: It's all the same to me.. um.. who's got a Mento?  
  
GRACELAND  
HIDDEN ROOM  
  
(Hammering noises are heard from the other side of the wall. All of a sudden, a shovel bursts through. Mulder squeezes through the hole, and Scully follows. They both look around.)  
  
Mulder: So this is the Hidden Room.. it's not very exciting. Hey.. is that a Starbucks cup?  
  
(Scully picks up the cup.)  
  
Scully: It is! This room has been sealed up since Elvis' death. So at least Lisa Liysalot wasn't lying about that part... I'm going to take it to the lab to get fingerprints.  
  
Mulder: Ghosts don't have fingerprints.  
  
Scully: Mulder, are you a ghost?  
  
Mulder: No.  
  
Scully: That's what I thought. Shut up.  
  
(Scully looks around again. She spots a small folded scrap of paper in the corner. Since the paper is new and not old and yellowed, she walks over to the corner and picks it up.)  
  
Scully: Look what I found, Mulder. This paper says: "Beware of the Foul One. She will lead you to a massive death march, complete with depressing music, blood, scary executioners in black masks, and the brimstones of hell". Wow. Should we bring a dessert?  
  
Mulder: Ooh. Let's.  
  
(They leave)  
  
CONFERENCE ROOM  
UNKNOWN LOCATION  
  
(This conference room is almost exactly the same as the one before. The members of the Syndicate and TFO are sitting in the exact same places as before)  
  
CSM: What do you have to report, Fowley?  
  
TFO: I've planted the note in the given location. Heehee. Big words. I need a dicshun.. er.. a diiksun.. um.. a book of words.  
  
(The Syndicate members roll their eyes simultaneously)  
  
CSM: Rright... have they found the note yet?  
  
TFO: Yes.  
  
CSM: Well.. what was their reaction? (mutters) Chicken McLost girl.  
  
TFO: Something about a desert. Yeah... Sahara Desert!  
  
CSM: Well then. I must report this to Strughold.  
  
TFO: WHY?  
  
CSM: Because it's my job, idiot. Go work for Avon or something. The door-to-door salespeople have about the same IQ as their shoe sizes. You'll fit right in.  
  
(CSM leaves the room in disgust)  
  
TFO: (giggles nervously) Um.. who wants to play Hangman?  
  
DANA SCULLY'S APARTMENT  
GEORGETOWN DC  
  
(Scully is laying down on her couch when the phone rings. She picks it up)  
  
Scully: No, I don't want aluminum siding for my house, I don't want to switch to MCI, and if this is that mysterious sicko that keeps on calling my house and asking me what I'm wearing and if my window is open, then I will shoot your brains out. Other than that, hello?  
  
Mulder: Rendezvous! With the Ghost of Elvis! In that empty mysterious hangar in the empty mysterious abandoned military base! With that empty mysterious abandoned evil-  
  
Scully: I get your point, Mulder. When?  
  
Mulder: Now. And... um.. is your window open?  
  
EMPTY MYSTERIOUS HANGAR IN THE EMPTY MYSTERIOUS ABANDONED MILITARY BASE WITH THAT EMPTY MYSTERIOUS ABANDONED EVIL-  
  
(Mulder and Scully cautiously enter the hangar. They have their guns out and are doing the gun stakeouty type thing.)  
  
Scully: I don't see anything, Mulder. Maybe we were set up.  
  
Mulder: (sinks to his knees, his eyes growing wide) What if this is a message from my sister? SAMANTHA? ARE YOU OUT THERE? AUUGHHH!  
  
Scully: Hush Mulder. No need to shatter the Ghost of Elvis' fragile psyche.  
  
Mulder: (standing up) Oh. Okay.  
  
(The entire hangar fills with an extremely bright light, filling every crevice. "Walking in Memphis" echoes through the area)  
  
Mulder: Um, excuse me, Ghost of Elvis.. but you didn't sing that.  
  
Ghost of Elvis: Shut up. You're shattering my fragile psyche.  
  
Mulder: Oh. Sorry.  
  
(Mulder runs and hides behind Scully)  
  
Mulder: Save me, Scully.  
  
Scully: What do you want to calm your troubled soul, O Ghost of Elvis?  
  
Ghost of Elvis: I want.. I want.... Mulder.  
  
(Mulder cringes behind Scully and whimpers)  
  
Scully: Why? What are going to do with him?  
  
(The Ghost of Elvis' voice changes, and he giggles ditzily)  
  
Ghost of Elvis: I need him for a project to rest my troubled soul.  
  
Mulder: Oh GOD NO!! Hey.. wait! I know that giggle! You're not the Ghost of Elvis! This has nothing to do with Elvis! Scully!   
  
(Scully's eyes open wide, and she yells)  
  
Scully: It's SKINNER!  
  
Ghost of Elvis: No! It's not Skinner! I'm insulted! After all those years of door-to-door Avon sales, you think I look like a MAN! (makes a high-pitched insulted sound)   
  
Mulder: It's FOWLEY!  
  
TFO: That's it, I'm revolting!  
  
Scully: (mutters under her breath) You sure are.  
  
TFO: (spins around angrily) I heard that! I'm a person too!  
  
Scully: No, you're not. You're an idiot. That's a species in itself.  
  
(While Scully is insulting Diana, Mulder sneaks behind her and slaps on handcuffs)  
  
TFO: Not here, Mulder.  
  
Mulder: (in utter and complete disgust) EW! You're under arrest for impersonating Elvis and murdering people under a false persona, and also for being an idiot without a license. You're coming with us.  
  
FBI FIELD OFFICE  
A.D. SKINNER'S OFFICE  
NEXT MORNING  
  
(Skinner is sitting at his desk, facing Mulder and Scully)  
  
Skinner: So you finally found out who was killing people under the false appearance of the Ghost of Elvis. Also, the murderer was apprehended. Good work.  
  
Mulder: Yay! Heeheehee.  
  
Skinner: However, you also breached several protocols and acted oddly in public. For this, you will have to attend work in a tutu for a week.  
  
Scully: (shocked) A tutu? Why? What good will that do?  
  
Skinner: Because I'm your superior, and I said so.   
  
Scully: Oh.  
  
CONFERENCE ROOM  
SOME UNKNOWN AREA  
  
(The Syndicate is again gathered for a meeting. With the absence of Diana, the room seems more focused and smarter.)  
  
CSM: Fowley has failed.  
  
Syndicate: Ditz.  
  
Strughold: Her perfume sucks up the atmosphere.  
  
Well-Manicured Man: I have a plan.  
  
Strughold: Please tell me it's to destroy all Avon factories.  
  
WMM: It's better. I'm going to take three kids off the street, teach them to sing, and use their lyrics to broadcast a message of world domination!  
  
Strughold: And what will these kids be called?  
  
WMM: The.. the... BACKSTREET BOYS! 


End file.
